Paralytic

I survived the skydive. Afterwards, a Dutch guy asked me whether itwas safe. The plane was tiny, the parachute seemed sort of old and thewhole operation was very low-key, but you either survive or you don´t,and the four of us did so I´d say it was very safe.

We drove for an hour to the airfield, and, in an attempt to take my mind of the imminent trauma and practice my Spanish, I volunteered to travel in the back of a van with the guy in charge. As always in this mostsingle-minded of countries the conversation turned to women, and, inparticular, how you might chat up a British women in a club:

´so, what´s a polite way to say (in English) "suck me off"´
´err...we wouldn´t really say that in a club in Britain´
´¿is it rude?´
´yes, I think it probably would be seen as rude´
´yes.... so that´s why I wan´t a polite way to say it´

I resisted the temptation to ask whether that was how he first introduced himself to his wife and, clearly unable to provide him with the phrase he wanted, hurriedly moved the conversation on (to the parachute-fails-to-open survival rate; a mistake, in hindsight).

Seeing the plane for the first time was somewhat daunting. There was just about room for three and a pilot, so it was very much one at a time. The instruction, lasting five minutes or so, consisted of a demonstration of the correct position to fling yourself out in, and a reminder to breathe. ´To save time´, the landing would be explained´later´. Later turned out to mean just after the parachute had opened.

Despite the blind fear, it was an unforgettable experience. We did stunts in the plane on the way up, and I actualy started to relax. Filmed from all angles by two cameramen, the trick is to pretend to be calm so as to appear ´brave´ on the video after. The post-mortem revealed that I reached terminal velocity sporting a farcical cheesy grin. Rob, in the spirit of the archetypal children´s TV presenter-hosting-piece-on-rollercoasters-whilst-on-The-Big-One-in-Blackpool, managed to maintain an almost constant dialogue with the camera. Valiant.

The speed and force was much more than I expected, and when I first moved to the edge of the plane I really started to panic (sort of still smiling, mind). But Dirk Diggler didn´t wait long before throwing him and me off, and I fell like an epileptic cockroach until we stablised.

When the parachute opened, the relief was immense. But, after checking both testicles were intact, it became clear how high we still were. And when my harness was loosened from behind, it feelt strange that not very much was stopping me from falling forward and slipping out of the harness; an unexpectedly scary moment.

Upon landing, I couldn´t speak. Nobody could. So we just resorted to strange noises until it all came out over a beer later.


Mendoza is the wine capital of Argentina, and we spent a day cycling around wineries and learning to taste the local produce. It´s interesting to learn how to appreciate the various flavours. Oddly, I found that wine tasting is impossible when drunk, and often the serious sampling would only last so long. By this point, we´d met up with Pete Foulkes and Rhian, so the temptation to get smashed up and talk about travels etc was even greater.


We made our way to Iguazu Falls, and spent two unforgettable days exploring the national park, from various viewpoints. All though such statements are usually bollocks, I´m still tempted to say it is the single most amazing thing I have ever seen (I missed the Neighbours anniversary episode where everyone came back).

The volume of water is mesmerising, and the force generated at the bottom is mindblowing. You can seevultures circling above and dragonflies diving in and out of the water. Butterflies with luminous markings land on any surface that isn´t moving, and before long we were left with them stuck to our hands and feet. We passed through swarms and swarms of them: it could have been annoying, but, as everyone knows, for animals, butteflies are fit, and so nobody minded (flies are mingers, by contrast, so humans don´t like them).


Some other things: Complained, in spanish, over the phone to a bus company and managed to secure a refund for a journey where the bus broke down and we were delayed by 5 hours.

Met up with Justin, Olly and Emily (uni) and spent a night catching up in bars. Saw an amazing sunrise, and stuffed ourselves with fesh astries at 6am.

Worshipped Messi for his hat trick, along with everyone else here.

Shared a room with a very gay PR assistant from San Francisco. Calmed him down in a restaurant after his salad came without the avocado he´d requested. Breathed a collective sigh of relief when news came through that "small" box of " clean clothes and a few luxuries" had beensuccesfully delivered to Buenos Aires, his next destination.