Free Weights

‘Fantastic Felix, so what did you say your new job was?’
‘Err, accountant’
‘And when did the job start’
‘Umm… a couple of weeks ago’
‘And you’ve taken a day off already?’
‘Yes…so what did you say the opening hours are, again?’

It was a guise I had adopted previously - accountant was a well-paid job and seemed plausible. Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought my story through - the fact that it was half two on a Tuesday afternoon didn’t fit. Still, Lloyd the sales representative from Esporta health club didn’t seem to care. So long as I was seriously considering membership, my employer’s generous holiday allowance was no skin off his back.

Having kept the time free in case of job interviews that never emerged, I was stuck at home for a month before jetting off to South America on my post-university gap adventure. Keen to get in shape for the beaches of Brazil, I needed the use of a gym. Unfortunately, my student membership had long since expired and, with every spare pound saved for night-time jungle trekking and jeep safaris while away, I had resigned myself to curling cans of beans in the pantry and bench-pressing my mate’s girlfriend. That was before I hit on the idea of blagging a free trial at the local gym.

The strategy proved remarkably easy, and before long I had sampled the facilities at what seemed like every health club in Southampton. Weekends spent visiting friends in Oxford and London created more opportunities, allowing me compare different clubs from the same chain. The only down side was the slightly uncomfortable process of having up to ten different identities.

LA Fitness Southampton

I had simply to turn up and convince Gina, an amiable if slightly overenthusiastic ‘fitness advisor’, that I was seriously considering membership. After a relatively painless discussion of my ‘slef-improvement goals’, I was shown round, agreeing to discuss monthly rates post trial. Luckily, after an hour or so in the gym followed by a lengthy sauna and Jacuzzi, Gina appeared to have gone home, leaving me free to peruse the magazines in the members lounge before leaving refreshed.

Fitness First Southampton

‘So what did you think?’ questioned Amy, frustratingly sill floating around after my two and half hour free-weights and steam room blitz.
‘Well, the facilities were excellent …I’ve got your number so I’ll ring you tomorrow’
‘You know our special offer ends today?’
‘Erm….right… Ive, got to go’


Dulwich Hamlet Gym, South London

‘Hi, this is my friend -he’s just moved in with us and is thinking of joining the gym. Is there any way he could try out the facilities with us to make sure he knows what’s on offer’
‘Yes, no problem – we actually do a three day free trial…can I just get your name’
‘Felix Hill’

Following week, same place

‘Hi, this is my friend – he’s just moved in with us and is thinking of joining the gym. Is there any way he could try out the facilities with us to make sure he knows what’s on offer’
Same assistant ‘Yes, no problem – we actually do a three day free trial…can I just get your name’
‘Felix Hill’

Esporta, Oxford

‘Would you like a complimentary tea or coffee while we discuss membership?’
‘Err, yes a coffee would be great’
‘Large or small’
‘Large please’

Living-well, Southampton

‘Would you rather discuss membership now, or after your free trial’
‘Erm…it would probably be best after, I guess’
‘No problem, don’t forget to come and find me when you’re done’
‘Of course’

By the end of the month, as well as being a bit fitter, I was a veritable expert on the relative merits of the health clubs of the South of England. But I wanted more. Like any respectable rock band, and, err, Tescos, I wanted success on an international stage.

Argentina

So, during my first weeks of travelling, whilst studying Spanish in Buenos Aires, one of the first real tests of my Spanish was lying to a gym receptionist. I had signed up for three free visits on the basis I was going to be staying for a year to study in the university.

On my last day in the city, after three weeks, I went with a friend for our third session. ‘So, you must be ready to sign the contract now’, said the guy who had been there all week.
‘well, I was going to just have this last free day to make sure…just to be certain, you know’, as if there was some possible defect in their shoulder presses that might only reveal itself to the experienced user.

On the way out we pulled our caps low over our heads and hotfooted it out of the door and down the street, on a bus and out of the city.

The only other time I went to a gym was in Bolivia, a month or so later. The gym had no website, no free pass, and no swimming pool. All the machinery was looked at least 30 years old. The cost: 4 Bolivianos a visit or 25 a month. (There’s 16 to the pound) – I paid it. Grudgingly.